direct from . . .
Top Ten Tips for Quick Holiday Shopping
Instead of gifts, exchange glances.
Cousin Bruno here, just yanked up the mall directory and took it along with us.
Even if you don't have a child, bring a baby carriage. You can use it like a plow to clear your path in a crowded mall.
Borrow the fire truck for easy curbside parking.
Sell the children for money. Especially little ones they work the hardest.
Get a part time job with the mall security company and avoid the crowds by shopping after midnight. . .
*dialing* "Hello?"..."Um, yeah, mom? Could ya do me a favor?"
Tie your children up and leave them home.
Have a sex change and become a man.
Precisely 98.6% of all Americans don't own a boomerang, so why agonize over gift ideas.
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Last modified: Dec 17, 1997